Item 1 - Video!

[sneakykidwiththehair]

[Public]

[Video clicks on, and lo! It's a teenage boy with a shock of grey hair. He's walking as he talks, wandering the halls of the Barge apparently aimlessly.]

Uh, hey, I don't wanna cause a stink, but there's been some kind of terrible mistake here. My- uh, my parents, are going to be losing their minds back home in New Jersey...

[There might be something ever so slightly shifty about how he says this, but then again, he is a recently deceased teenage boy. He could easily just be nervous.]

All of this-- this inmate stuff? Yeah, you definitely got the wrong guy for that. I got a perfectly normal, crime free life, back home with my family. Yes, we cheat on our taxes and have the occasional three am family-document-shredding-party, but who doesn't? By nine am we're back to pancakes and oatmeal, and that, [decisive finger jab at the screen.] Is how you live the American dream, right?

[Private to Inmates]

So, does anyone ever actually escape from this place?

Comments

[fireincarnate]

Right? You need to direct all that in the right places. [...Okay, that's a little too sincere for this conversation.]

I'm Jean, by the way. I've been a Warden here for - a while.

[Private to Inmates]

[sneakykidwiththehair]

Mushrooms?

[What's this guy talking abo-- Oh wait.]

Oh, mushrooms! I get it. Well, yeah, I guess maybe the hippies were on to something, if that's what it takes for you to realize that the world ain't real.

[sneakykidwiththehair]

If you send them a note saying that I'm in a safe place, aren't they just going to think you kidnapped me?

[sneakykidwiththehair]

You're kidding? I thought wardens were meant to be the good guys...

[not the guys who promoted tax evasion to minors!]

[sneakykidwiththehair]

Twelve step programs are like, these things they do to get people to quit drinking and stuff. You have to go through a list of tasks, and they're all like:

Make a list of all everywhere you've ever passed out drunk, then go to those places and leave flowers.

Or:

Weave a blanket of apology for everyone your drinking has ever hurt, then invite them to come sleep under it for three nights.

Not really my thing, but hey, whatever works works, right?

[fireincarnate]

Shades of grey, young padawan.

Inmates

[sneakykidwiththehair]

Yeah, but you made it sound like there was a lot of other ways to screw up, and like, you could tell me how not to.

So. Y'know. Gimmie.

inmate;

[sneakykidwiththehair]

You really buy that that's how we got here? That we're all dead?

Private

[sneakykidwiththehair]

Yeah, all anyone's saying to me is: Don't try it, punk.

Private

[walkthedarkpath]

Oh, I did not say, don't try it. Simply saying I have not heard of it. By all means, knock yourself out.

[Private]

[sneakykidwiththehair]

Yeah, but uh, no offense? But you're clearly European.

[How could you possibly understand our ways.]

Like I said to that other guy, we're from Newhampston. Across the river from New York.

[There's no such place. He's lying through his teeth here.]

[Private]

[youwill]

[o dash.]

I was born in Denmark. And despite that, I am an American citizen. [This is going to be fun, isn't it.]

Across the river from New York City? [He likes maps. This is definitely going to be fun.]

[sneakykidwiththehair]

Heh, more's the pity. Shredding documents is wholesome family fun.

Private

[sneakykidwiththehair]

I didn't mean you. I guess I just find it weird that people have been stuck here for years, and they aren't even trying to get out.

Private

[walkthedarkpath]

Considering most of us here are dead, it is the only way to go anywhere else. Or better then where we were. Though this is just a though of mine. I have not bothered to speak much on it with others. I am still relatively new here myself.

[Private]

[sneakykidwiththehair]

What, wouldn't you rather just stay Danish?

[Why wouldn't you rather be Danish, guy?]

Right. Like being from a suburb of a suburb of New York.

[Yep. Still lying. Not even with much gusto.]

Inmate filter

[changeitroundsome]

There was an inmate rebellion, the way I hear it, but it seems it didn't stick. Not heard of anyone escapin' yet.

[He gives a low chuckle.]

And that sounds just like the American dream. Least the reality of it, rather than what they sell on the box.

inmate;

[heavenlymisandrist]

My original body has been dead for many centuries. Is it so difficult to conceive of your own mortality?

[strangehistorian]

Well, if it works that's... good!

[That seems very strange but she won't be rude.]

Inmates

[darknessb4me]

You could stop talking, that's an excellent start.

[freezerburns]

What kind of documents needed to be shredded at three am?

[Private to Inmates]

[maced_eggs]

The world's bloody real, mate.

[Private to Inmates]

[sneakykidwiththehair]

I used to think so too. Now I know better.

[Private to Inmates]

[maced_eggs]

How...how do you know better, then?

[Dumb, gullible Mason]

[Private to Mason alone!]

[sneakykidwiththehair]

Three months ago, I woke up in this weird town, and when I say weird, I'm talking Bigfoot, Elvis, and aliens weird, only everyone acts like it's all totally normal, and anyone who sees a problem with this has something wrong with them.

So one day in this weird town, I wake up, and there's this film script on my doormat, and when I start reading it, it's like, the whole town comes apart around me, and I'm on this film set, and the people in this town who think they're all real, are all there, only they're just actors following a script, and word from the network is that our whole crummy little town is about to get cancelled.

Director calls action, our last episode gets filmed, and I get one last day in Eerie before waking up here. We're on an inescapable prison barge in outerspace that no one else seems to find weird, and I? Personally? Am getting a touch of déjà vu.

[He feels weirdly triumphant, laying it all out like that.]

You think you're the grim reaper? I say you're dark british comedy. What you aint is real.